I’m not good at this…

Well it’s been 6 months since my last post and I hate to say I’m not doing any better 😞.  I’ve changed medicine again.  I was on a long lasting injection for my Schizoaffective Disorder but unfortunately my insurance does not cover it so the doctor had to find a replacement.   I’ve been on this new injection for about week now, it helps a little but I still have hallucinations and hear voices.  

As far as my depression it’s not better 🥺 I feel hopeless, alone and worthless most days.  It’s a struggle to get out of bed even to take a shower.  I have little interest in doing anything.  I feel horrible because it’s the summer and the kids are bored but I just can’t find the strength to do anything.

I just want to be excited again even though I couldn’t tell you the last time I was truly excited about life.  I’m not suicidal.  I couldn’t do that to my kids.  I look at them and know that I have to hang on because of them.  

Hopefully I’ll post again sometime this year.  I don’t want to say that I’m going to post the next couple of days and I don’t I’d feel horrible about it.  Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read this.  If you’re feeling the same way know that you’re not alone.

XOXO, 

Hope Angeline 

It's Been a Year and 9 Months.....

Hi everyone, my last post was on April 22, 2021. Thats a long time ago. I've been in such a funk lately. I don't know how to get out of it anymore. But since it's been so long ago let me reintroduce myself and start from the begining. Since it has been so long.

Still Feeling Lost

Hey everyone! It’s been awhile since I’ve last posted.  I haven’t posted since January 12, 2020.  I’m still suffering from mental illness nothing much has changed in that department.....I feel like I feel worst than before.  The depression is getting worst.  I just don’t want to get out of bed.  I don’t want to do anything.  It’s so tiresome.  

It’s hard because of the kids.  I need to do things for them.  They are still young and don’t understand why I just stay in bed.  I’m trying to get out of this.  But it’s been so long I don’t know how to get over it anymore.  I use to love to craft but even that seems like it takes too much energy.  I use to love to make handmade jewelry and sell it on Etsy.  But I haven’t put anything new in my shop for years.  I wish I could make a living off selling my stuff.  I know if I put the time and energy into it I could but I just don’t feel like I can. 

I feel so helpless and hopeless and I feel like no one understands what I’m going through.  It’s just so rough.  What can I do to get out of this? I just want to be able to do things.  To wake up and ready to start the day instead of dreading the day. It's just so hard. I need help.  

XOXO, 

Hope Angeline 

Still Feeling Lost....

It has been 10 months since my last post. I hate that I haven't posted in that long. But things are basically still the same. I'm still suffering from my demons. The Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, & Schizoaffective Disorder all still effect me. Trying to get out of bed in the morning is rough. I hate for anyone to worry about me. Things are worst then they use to be.

Lately I have been doing day by day. Which is what most of us do. I'm still having trouble getting out of bed or just going out in public. Most days I put on a mask and just go through my day. But that gets very exhausting. But lately I have been forcing myself to get up and get out everyday. I am so tired of feeling this way. Life can not be this hard. My husband talked to me today about how I have been feeling. I know he worries about me. It's heartbreaking I wish I had the energy and the strength to work on myself.

I'm hoping that 2020 will be a better year for me. I've been going through this heartbreaking life for what seem like forever. I just want to feel happy. I couldn't tell you the last time that I was happy. I want to be better for my kids. I know they need me. They don't need a mom who is sad all the time. a mom who doesn't shower, a mom that just lays in silence.

Hopefully this year will be better for me. I am going to do my best to post regularly. Let's go on this journey together.

Depression and it's Demons

Suffering from debilitating depression is like no other. Not very many people are willing to talk about it and the actual demons that you fight. I have been suffering from depression for about 20 years now. I have been suffering from a debilitating depression for more than 2 years now.

With the recent suicide of Kate Spade mental illness has now come to light once again where people are talking about it. We need to talk about it more. This is the first time I am talking about my situation. In January of 2018 I had thoughts of suicide. I actually had a plan. I had a plan to hang myself. I actually had a doctor appointment that day and told my provider my thoughts of suicide. I was such in a low place I felt like there was nothing to live for. That my kids, my husband and family would be better off without me. This feeling of such loneliness was so overwhelming. I was sent to the hospital and kept on a 3 day observation. To be honest the stay at the hospital did not do anything for me. They didn't help me or solve anything for me.

I still feel that loneliness sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I do not have anyone to speak too. No one that really understands what I am going through. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be great for me. No more depression, anxiety, PTSD or Schizoaffective disorder. But that is not the case. There is no magic wand to wave and everything will be good. I hide behind a smile because I do not want my family to worry about me. I hide behind a smile because I feel like I can not talk about my demons. I hide behind a smile because that is all I know how to do. I have been suffering from mental illness for so long that I do not know what it is like to be genuinely happy anymore. But if you are feeling the same way you are not alone.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255 and for the National Suicide Text Hotline text Home to 741741 if you ever need to reach out to someone.

XOXOXO,

Hope Angeline

I Suffer From Mental Ilness

Hello my name is Hope Angeline, and I suffer from metal illness. There is such a stigma on suffering from mental illness that nobody really talks about it. I'm here to change that. I suffer from multiple mental illnesses. I suffer from the following:

1. Server Depression

2. Anxiety

3. PTSD

4. Schizoaffective Disorder

I have been feeling so down lately and in a FUNK..... So down that even doing the little things in life seem so overwhelming. I barley can do anything every day. I do try put on a smile for friends and family. I hate for anyone to worry about me. But I can not lie my depression is so hard right now. Which is a struggle because of my kids. My 3 youngest are Kal-El who is 9, Brucee is 6 and Kara Love is 5. My oldest is 21 but I even struggle with him as well. I feel so down that I do not call him or anyone to be honest.

Suffering from mental illness is no joke.. Having and anxiety is like having someone constantly sitting on her chest where you can not breathe and having depression feeling so down and hopeless you just can not function right, you can not concentrate. Having Schizoaffective disorder is like having manic depression and schizophrenia all at once. Having PTSD is like having both the depression and anxiety all at once.

I am going to start to document my story. The ups and the downs of suffering from mental illness. At the present moment I am not working. I am unable to. My mental illness is holding me hostage in my own head. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anybody.

McNay Open House

On July 21st I went to an open house at the McNay Art Museum at 6000 N New Braunfels here in San Antonio, TX.  I went to check it out for our wedding venue.  

We are getting married Dec 9, 2017.  I'm so exicited to be planning our wedding.  

The McNay was beautiful and breathtaking. They had several wedding vendors and we got to sample different menus and drinks.  

They also had different table settings which were just beautiful. 

It was really so nice just to be able to go and see what the wedding vendors here in San Antonio have to offer.  

I'm so happy to be planning this wedding.  I wanted to say a huge thank you to the McNay for holding this open house!  It was so informative and all of the vendors were so expentional.